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If only I could have known how much you were going to impact my life on the day you trotted your little white behind into it. I will never forget waiting anxiously by the window with my little brother waiting for our 'visitor'. After years of begging and writing persuasive essays about all the reasons why we needed a dog in our family, and even trying to start a fundraiser, our dream was finally coming true. After waiting for what felt like hours, we finally saw the car pull up. Out came my mother's assistant teacher holding you, my furry little bundle of joy. The moment you walked into our home, you walked right into our hearts. You walked in immediately as if you owned the place. I didn't even know what to do. I never had a dog before, and didn't have many friends with dogs either. I was nervous but you were so comfortable and non-chalant that it put me at ease. Jeremy and I followed you around the house 'oohing' and 'awwing' at everything you did. I remember sitting on my bed and picking you up, setting you down on my lap. Just as I did, you let out this huge monster fart, and my brother and I started cracking up. "How could THAT have come out of something so small?", we wondered. If only we knew how many rooms you'd clear and how many times you'd wake me up out of a dead sleep with your gas!! There are so many amazing and not so amazing memories I've shared with you over the years, and looking back now I can't believe the many transitions and changes I've made in my own life with you right by my side not even batting an eye. You have been there for me through stupid teenage fights with my parents, the trials and tribulations of middle and high school, breakups, and friendships. You were also there next to me through some of the hardest times in my life when everyone else had abandoned hope in me. There was never any judgment. You loved me unconditionally, and so many times you have literally been my shoulder to cry on. And now, as the time comes to say goodbye to you creeps closer and closer, I am going through such a mix of emotions. Every time I lay down next to you, I keep getting flashes of memories I have shared with you all from different stages of my life. I cannot believe how far I have come, and I am so thankful that I have had your hand (paw) to hold through it all. I don't want to say goodbye to my best friend. I am heartbroken, but so joyous that I have gotten the chance to experience so much with you. Watching your body fall apart on you as your spunk and stamina are still fighting is killing me. No fifteen year old dog should be able to do the things you're doing, even despite all that is wrong. I admire your strength more than you know, but I can't see you hurting anymore. I want you to know that there is a part of my heart that will always hold you very dear to it. I am holding on to every last moment I have with you. I love you so much, my darling. Please stay close when you leave, and watch over your little brother.
I really wish things would get better. I am really sick of just waiting for things to start to look up because right now it's really starting to seem as though that will never happen. Things are so boring and when things aren't boring it's because there's some new ridiculous drama that I really want no part in but somehow keep getting dragged into everything. I hate this shit man.
I hate coming home and not seeing his big goofy head in the window and I miss not having to shut the door all the way so he couldn't open the door on me while I'm peeing.  I miss taking him for walks and bragging to people about what an amazing dog he is.  I miss the soccer games and endless rounds of tug-of-war.  I hate not having to wake up every few hours to make sure he's not massacring my boots or another pair of jeans.  Most of all I miss cuddling with him listening to his cute lil puppy snores.

UGH I HATE THIS SHIT.
I am so jealous of the people who have so much potential and actually have the motivation to do something with it.  I had potential once and maybe I still do, but the drive I once had is completely gone.

Am I really content living the way I am?  No.  Am I going to do something about it?  I wish.

Aug. 2nd, 2009

ugh, my life is about to be determined.

Are you hoping for a miracle?

A 4 AM visit cleared a lot of things up in my life that were making things stupid.  I mean, not that it's getting much BETTER per se, it's just...cleared up.  And out in the open.  Finally.  Things would have been so much easier in the first place if boys weren't so hardheaded and stubborn.  We'll see what happens next, if things change.  I'm trying really hard to have faith in a bunch of things going on right now...I hope things work out for the best for everyone, that's all I care about.

Oh, Lucifer is fucking huge now.  And he is not done growing yet.  He's such a pain in the ass, I love him.  He plays soccer like the spic that he is. =]

I can't 8 more months to see my lil niecey. or nephew. eek.
I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED.
There is so much I want to say, and so much I need to get out.

I just can't because I don't want YOU to hear it!  Yes, you.  You reading this now.

Such a shame I am far too lazy to write in a real journal every day like I used to.
Ugh, I love this puppy soo much.  He is PERFECT.  Best disposition, easy to train, GORGEOUS, and just the best dog I have ever met (besides Behr and Chloe of course).  I just want him to be healthy and safe and HAPPY but I can't keep him and neither can Kim, and god knows what his owner is gonna end up doing.  Until my dad just slammed the car door two seconds ago, he was passed out on the couch like a child.  Last night he literally fell asleep in my arms.  

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I'm gonna put some pictures up soon. =D